People often wonder who loves more in a relationship—the man or the woman—but this question misses the point entirely because love is not something you can weigh or measure like flour on a scale. Love is a deeply emotional and complex connection that is felt, expressed, and understood differently by each person, and rather than trying to determine who’s “more in love,” couples benefit far more by understanding how love is experienced and communicated.
Love is not a math equation but an emotion, and like all emotions, it varies from person to person. Some people express it through affection and sweet words, others through acts of service, loyalty, or simply showing up when it matters most. Just because one partner is more expressive doesn’t mean they love more—it may simply reflect a different communication style. Silence or subtlety is often mistaken for emotional distance when it can actually mean someone is more reserved or thoughtful in how they show affection, and comparing gestures can lead to hurt feelings even when both partners are equally committed.
Psychologists suggest that instead of asking who loves more, it’s more useful to explore how people bond emotionally, which is where attachment theory comes in. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth identified four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Secure individuals feel comfortable with emotional openness and trust, anxious ones crave constant reassurance, avoidant people struggle with emotional closeness, and disorganized individuals experience a mix of anxiety and avoidance often due to past trauma. These styles reveal how people act in love, not how much love they feel, meaning two people might love equally but express it in completely different ways.
Love also has a biological side, with our brains releasing chemicals like dopamine for pleasure and reward, oxytocin for trust and intimacy, and vasopressin for long-term bonding. These hormones can make love feel intense in the early stages, but they don’t indicate that one person loves more than the other—they simply reflect natural brain chemistry. Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages—words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch—show how mismatched “languages” can cause partners to misread each other’s affection, when in fact the love is there but expressed differently.
Learning your partner’s love language can bridge emotional gaps and reduce the urge to compare feelings. Measuring love can actually damage relationships because turning it into a scoreboard—counting hugs, texts, or date nights—undermines intimacy. Healthy relationships rest on trust, support, and emotional availability, and the better focus is on whether both partners feel safe, understood, and respected. It’s also important to accept that emotions fluctuate; no one feels intense love every moment of every day. Life stresses, health issues, and personal struggles can cause emotional ebbs and flows without diminishing love.
Strong couples weather these cycles together, understanding that love naturally shifts over time. Some harmful myths persist, such as the belief that one person always loves more, that showing emotion is a weakness, or that equal love must look identical. In truth, love is too complex for such simplifications, vulnerability is a sign of courage, and equality in love is about mutual understanding and effort, not mirrored actions. Building a strong relationship means deepening love rather than comparing it, which can be done by learning each other’s attachment styles, improving emotional intelligence, communicating openly, respecting preferred ways of receiving love, and supporting each other’s growth. Therapy can also help navigate recurring misunderstandings.
Cultural background shapes love as well—some cultures see loyalty and sacrifice as the highest form of love, while others value verbal affirmations and public displays. Recognizing each other’s cultural lens can prevent misinterpretations and deepen empathy, because not saying “I love you” often doesn’t mean the feeling isn’t there.
Letting go of comparisons allows relationships to breathe, shifting the focus to questions like: Are we present for each other? Do we grow together? Are we connected even in silence? Love is not a competition but a partnership built on shared effort, joy, and understanding. It cannot be stacked, counted, or measured—it grows and changes with time. The strongest couples are not those constantly proving their love with grand gestures, but those who consistently show up, remain present, and choose each other every day. When you stop keeping score and instead nurture emotional connection, love becomes more resilient, more fulfilling, and far more rewarding.